When I can no longer say " I know"

Blessed New Year 2009!

It's been an interesting, challenging...well, memorable year( good and bad memories) for the 2008 and I give thanks to my God that He has never took away that second chance. When I felt that I could no longer return to serve Him because of the things that I've done, I just wanted to run away. Today, I'm just glad that even before I could pack my bags and run away to somewhere to hide, He came by to my heart, knocked on my door gently several times, before I allowed Him to show me His heart and His forgiveness.

I always have this image of God standing outside my house. He will knock once..knock twice..knock thrice..all with that gentle *thud*. No yelling, just calling my name." Viv, viv..will you open the door for me?" As I sat there and think, yes Lord, my door is already opened. Why don't u just come in? And He says," No Viv, your windows of escape are opened but not the door to your heart. It's alright, I'll stay here and wait for you." Just like a relentless salesman, God just sat there waiting for me, especially in my season when I was so reluctant to make peace with certain issues- there He is, gently awaiting to show me, teach me and guide me.

2008- a year of so many transitions, I lost count. It was a year where my trust in the soverignty of God was put to a test. It was a year where I saw things happening right before my eyes but I could not stop it from happening. It was a year when I affirmed my calling in God about my life. It was a year of reunion, not yet. It was a year when I saw through my inadequacies and insecurities in relationships. It was a year where I had to find my place in various communities, once more. It was a year when I knew I want to do so many things, not yet.
Above all, my 2008 is a year when I plunged, rose, stabilised, slipped occasionally and now flying on eagle's wings. The flying- so light yet so unstable, so fast yet so overwhelming. Jesus, won't u prepare my heart to be ready of what's to come?

Coming back home to Singapore has been poignant. I loved the company of my family, friends who were there for me when I had to bite hard and press on in my faith, embraced my new status as an employee and colleage to many, and the arms of my home church. However, as well prepared as I could, I suppose it was a huge struggle to truly embraced the many things I looked forward too. Some incidents have left me thinking- have I lost anything when I left for Australia? Please do not think that I am sounding pessimistic. Rather, take upon a perspective if you could reflect on the year if you have lost something dear because of yourself being away or the season you had been through. In all honesty, I really pray hard that I can return to the warm embrace of my family in Sydney. Just a different feeling- i love my family( don't get me wrong), however, the sense of mutual understanding seems to be in the transient loss. Friends around me have moved on..mates whom I was close to have moved on in lives with new company. Classifying overseas graduates in a certain mould- was probably something I could never really understand. Yet all in all, I still had that sense of overflowing joy that I can't contain and does not allow that mellow-drama thingin me to take over. I know then that MY GOd is with me, holds me, leads me, and sets me free from the tunnel of darkness.

That's when I realised, I can no longer say "I Know I can". I will say,"God, YOu know best. I'll do my best and I know you will come and work through me to settle the rest."

2009- Seems like a daunting year ahead. But when I look at God, daunting it is not. As I live in Him, He will live in me.That's the abundant life that He's always promised:)